I've been absent for a while now, in a mourning of sorts for an onslaught of bad news and confusing situations. Ironically, one of those situations put me in my place, shook me from myself.
I found out that Lee - the agent who "discovered" me, first called me an author, first encouraged me to start this writing journey - passed away. I didn't know him well, but wow - he changed the whole trajectory of my life. He was unnecessarily patient and kind to me as a fledgling writer. He believed in me before I did.
Lee died this morning, peacefully, and his wife posted links to an old journal update of his, from back in February, when the cancer first reappeared.
Sometimes I don't know what to write on this blog. I don't know what to say to you people, especially when I reach the end of my headlights and feel lost and confused myself. I think of Isaiah, when he hears a voice say "Cry!" and he asks "what shall I cry?" and the voice starts "Behold, your God..." and fills an amazing chapter with reminders of this God.
I don't have much wisdom these days, but wow - do these words from my old friend speak better than I ever could. Behold, this is the type of God I want to cry out in declaration of, the conviction I hope to someday have:
Written Feb 3, 2013 8:09pm
My friends, you and I have had a lot to thank God for in my battle with brain cancer.
Thanks that the original brain tumor could be removed via surgery.
Thanks that surgery was successful without physical or mental collateral damage.
And someone said, “God is good!”
Thanks for getting through months of chemo and radiation last year.
And someone said, “God is faithful!”
Thanks for being able to give praise to Him on top of Pikes Peak.
And someone said, “God is loving!”
Thanks for four post-surgery MRI’s of the brain showing that I was cancer free for over 10 months.
And someone said, “God is merciful!”
Beautiful praise. Worshipful. And right.
The cancer is back. Now what?
Before I find out on February 15th whether the cyber knife and chemo have killed this new cancer or not, I want to answer that question.
So, again, the cancer is back. Now what?
Whether I’m healed of cancer in this life or not – God is good.
Whether I’m healed of cancer in this life or not – God is faithful.
Whether I’m healed of cancer in this life or not – God is merciful.
Whether I’m healed of cancer in this life or not – God is loving.
That is what I believe, this is my confession. This is the true north of Paula’s and my faith.
I'm grateful to Lee Hough, the type of man who inspires faith and courage, even in his death. He knows these things with certainty now, face to face with this God he represented so well. Thanks for that final lesson, Lee.