katniss part 1.25

oh my GOSH it's embarrassing to share with you how many life parallels i felt while watching Bridesmaids. there is so much i want to share about how (sadly and comfortingly) i am kristin wiig's character, annie - but first, i should explain: i am the type of person who gets sucked right into a movie- any and every movie. i find someone in the movie i relate to and i just...embody them for the next hour or so. this is probably why i don't do so well with war movies and horror movies. and why Homeward Bound was so confusing.

at the point in the movie when the cop-with-the-great-accent (wish i could remember his name and wasn't too lazy to look it up) is pushing annie to start baking again, i looked down and realized my knuckles were white. i have some bony-ass hands and i was clutching the armrest so hard my skeleton was popping through. i became aware of the MASSIVE amounts of tension i was feeling on behalf of annie and myself in my weird, movie-fusion mind.

we (annie and i, that is) couldn't believe he would suggest such a thing!

our bakery just went bankrupt a year ago!

we had poured our heart into it, not to mention our life savings!

doesn't he know it's not so easy to just "get back on the horse"!!??

sometimes the things you love - be they cupcakes or books-  turn on you. like a beastly little snapping turtle, they whip around and bite you. and heart-healing isn’t so easily remedied as a snapping turtle bite. there’s no protocol, no frame of reference, no ‘if symtoms persist after ___ time, consult a physician.’

speaking less cryptically, it has been hard to start writing again.

i’ve spent the last year and a half kicking a rock down a road- if a rock was my manuscript and the road my mind. it’s hard to understand sometimes why things don’t work out and how resources disappear and when to keep trying and when it is wiser and gentler to put things to rest.

like annie, i guess i have been worried that if i try again, if i open up my dreams again, with all of their fresh skin and scar tissue, that it will just be another sadness, another disappointment for myself and everyone in my corner.
but after all of that katniss talk and the responses that came in, i have to admit: that’s no way to live. hiding doesn’t count as living. and simply living doesn’t count as fighting.

so i will take a cue from annie and just bake one cupcake.

a baby step.

a baby blog post.

and i'll just end with this:

in my first katniss post, i talked about the armor of God being open on the backside - a sure sign we're not meant to retreat.

well, the second thing my mom told me about the armor of God is that the type of shield referenced as the 'shields of faith' we are to be wielding is an interlocking type. so this armor we've been left with and the fight we are fighting is not meant to be a solitary one, as much as it may seem that way sometimes.

i'm blessed with people in my corner who fight with and for me. people who hand me over to my heavenly father and sit with me in silence when there are no words to say. of course, much like annie, my first, second and third reaction is to refuse help, choose to fight and flail alone, and then cry about how alone i feel.

this is selfish

and it is a choice - one it took me a while to realize i was making.

if you're fighting your fight and feel like you are alone, look around. what are the choices you are making? do they alienate you from the rest of the Body or do they link you in for protection?

you are a piece in a larger picture.

your shield-your faith- is a piece in a larger machine.

stop pulling your cog from the machine.

stop withdrawing.

stop it with the pride.

stop depriving the rest of His Body from the life-giving joy of loving you.

because you never know who else is left exposed when you take your shield and strike out on your own.

don't be like us. (me and annie, talking in creepy unison) don't let months go by before you give in and ask for help/admit you're sad/let someone lift you up. because falling back into a line of shields that link with yours is probably the greatest strategy of all.