Nine years ago this week, Drew and I got engaged. He got on one knee at the farm near my parents' house. He was on crutches at the time and I definitely thought he was falling down on his face. We were just babies -- 21 years old. We grew up together, Drew and I. We became our true adult selves in each others' impossibly close proximity and it was really funny sometimes and really confusing sometimes and hell on earth a lot of the time.Read More
This is not a fun or snarky post. I'm here to talk about sad and hard things again.
The short version of our story (which you can read more on here and here) is that we lost our second daughter Finley to a late-term miscarriage in December. I've mentioned this before, but I still don't know how to be a person who grieves in a public space. I can't tell you how many posts I have sitting in my drafts folder that I abandoned, thinking "this is just too much of a downer".Read More
You guys know I like to do updates in batches, so as to appear very interesting and important. I have five things going on right now. FIVE NEW THINGS. It's no big deal, really. *hair flip*
1. THIS SASSY NEW SITE
Drew, angelheart that he is, built me this new site in his very limited spare time and I am over the moon about it (and him). Of course, there are still tweaks to be made and sexy new updates we'd like to add. But as my girl Liz Gilbert says: done is better than good.
So here we are.
2. I AM WITH CHILD.Read More
I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia out loud to Drew before bed.
(Should I be more embarrassed to admit that? #nerds)
And a few nights ago, we were reading the part in The Silver Chair where Jill meets Aslan for the first time. She is faint with thirst and comes across a stream, but before she can run to it, she spots a massive lion sitting next to the water.
God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night. These are the words we dimly hear: You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me. Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in. Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me. Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness. Give me your hand.Read More
First, I feel the need to thank you afresh, readers, for the outpouring of love and support we have received after my last post. I will never forget it - who knew we had built such a community? As touched as I was by the support, I was equally... co-heartbroken? sympathy-griefstricken? secondhand mournful?...Read More
How do I even write this? It's such a strange string of sentences to type - but I feel obligated to share them, having chosen to live in this odd space where my life is so private and yet so public all at the same time. Knowing how valuable the "me too" of this community has been, I feel compelled to tell our own story. I have this nagging worry that we are becoming an anonymous tale of grief. A vague object of pity. And I've never been one to let someone else tell my story.Read More
One of my favorite parts about this strange blog space is the friendships I've formed because of it. One of my readers-turned-pals emailed me the other day and asked me how I think motherhood has changed me as a writer. She herself is a writer and we've often talked about the give-and-take involved in "the professional vale of soul making that a life in literature can become," as Christian Wiman -- one of our favorite authors would describe it. Writing is so influenced and yet influential. I'm trying to embrace imperfection and sharing my response to that question is part of it.Read More
There is an enormous contingent of thoughtful people in this country who, though they are frustrated with the language and forms of contemporary American religion, nevertheless feel that burn of being that drives us out of ourselves, that insistent, persistent gravity of the ghost called God. I wanted to try to speak to these people more directly. I wanted to write a book that might help someone who is at once as confused and certain about the source of life and consciousness as I am.Read More
What a freaking whirlwind.
At this time, eight days ago, I was riding shotgun with my hair undone and a constipated toddler in the backseat. As Aidah was working hard on her own specific set of problems, I was furiously typing away on my smartphone, just trying to keep up with the insanity that has been our lives these past few months.Read More
There's always such a teasing conglomeration of feelings when it comes to reading about God's people in the Old Testament. On the one hand, they're such frightened little lemmings. With the objectivity of thousands of years, I'm constantly rolling my eyes. These people freak out about everything. They're like a bunch of nomadic toddlers, with their tantrums and terrible long-term memory. Oh, what a surprise, you're grumbling again. Cue the fire of judgment, ya dummies.Read More
There are times -- when we eat cookies for breakfast because we're too lazy to cook (they had oatmeal in them? )
or when we wave Drew's sock across Aidah's face to see if she'll react to the smell (she cried)
-- when Drew and I wonder why we're allowed to have a child.
Who authorized this?Read More
Ok, big moment for me. Big enough for me to drop other equally important parenting tasks to teach Aidah how to say, "YEA GURL GET IT GURRRRLLLL" just to emphasize the moment. After some rigorous training, she finally spit out "gahgogehgooooo!", complete with sassy snapping motions and I let her return to eating fridge magnets and prying the grout from between the kitchen tiles. (#strengthbuilding #educational) I'm guest blogging over at French Pressed Fridays.
If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you've seen me repost Todd's wisdom multiple times. I love this blog - Todd is one of my favorite thinkers and writers -- so when he asked me to guest post I almost cried. Like, in the way that preteens cry when they're within spitting distance of One Direction.
Todd is Lindsay's pastor and has been patiently reading drafts of my work for years. Once upon a time, Todd bet me that if I lost a game of mini-basketball to him, I had to call Bob Goff and force him to read my manuscript. Little did Todd know that I am freakishly good at miniball...I never had to make that call, but Todd's continued to challenge me ever since.
Like with this offer to guest post on his site. I was all Wah, but I'm rusty and busy and not learned enough...And he was like boom, how about I write you this introduction to honor you and make you laughcry.
I tell you guys, the people God puts in my corner. I don't deserve them but I sure am grateful.
So thank you to Todd for the opportunity and now you should all go over and read my post and also these french-pressed favorites:
I know, it's been months. I know, I know, I know.
Let's get the update out of the way and dive right back into blogging. Here's what you missed:
1.We're back! (Sort of.)Read More
That you can be lonely in a crowd, maybe especially there, is readily observable. You can also be lonely with your oldest friends, or your family, even with the person you love most in the world. To be lonely is to be aware of an emptiness that takes more than people to fill. It is to sense that something is missing which you cannot name.
'By the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion,' sings the Psalmist (137:1). Maybe in the end it is Zion that we're lonely for, the place we know best by longing for it, where at last we become who we are, where finally we find home.
So, in case you didn’t catch the news…I had a baby. You’re probably wondering how I’m going to put a Jesus-spin on the fact that another human being emerged from me.
Well, here we go.Read More
She's here, guys! She's finally here! Aidah Hope took her sweet time, finally arriving a week late on New Year's Eve. She is this sweet, dimpled little dino-baby - all grunty and hungry and wiggly. Her birth was really difficult and scary -Read More